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Leadership Skills For Child Care Professionals

Listening Skills
Julie Bartkus

Effective listening skills – an important leadership quality!

Relax, sit back, and listen is what someone once said to me.  I thought this sounded like a good idea.  However, as I  relaxed I noticed how I wasn’t listening as well as I could be.  I noticed that words would flow into my head and shortly disappear.  I noticed how I didn’t remember much of what was being said.     

Listening is one of the most valuable communication techniques we posses.  Even though no words need to be spoken while listening, listening is an activity that requires your full attention and patience.

The Leader in You, written by Dale Carnegie and Associates, defines listening as an activity requiring intense involvement like in a conversation.  The intense involvement includes questioning, genuine engagement, prodding, and it demands some kind of response – quick, thoughtful, on target, and concise.  A good listener is very persuasive.

Most of us would agree that being listened to is different from being heard.  And most of us would also agree that when we are truly listened to we feel important.

Many companies are extremely focused on delivering great customer service.  Unfortunately sometimes their follow-up calls make you feel less than important when the company’s representative who called you hears you but does not listen. 

For example, recently I received a phone call from my telephone company asking me about their services.  When I communicated a problem with the representative, I felt like she didn’t listen to me.  Why did I feel this way?  Well after I explained my problem to her, she said, great – have a nice day.  I felt worse about the problem I was having after the call than I previously did – because I wasn’t listened to – only heard.

“To resolve difficult interactions, we have to go beyond a superficial attempt at understanding.  We have to listen deeply for the clues that show us a meaning beneath the words.”  - Salle Merrill Redfield, author of Creating a Life of Joy.

In Creating a Life of Joy, the author Salle Merrill Redfield recalls a poem written by John Fox about how it feels to be deeply listened to. 

When someone deeply listens to you,

It is like holding out a dented cup you’ve had since childhood and watching it fill up with cold, fresh water.

When it balances on the top of the brim, you are understood.  When it overflows and touches your skin, you are loved.

When someone deeply listens to you,

The room where you stay starts a new life and the place where you wrote your first poem begins to glow in your mind’s eye.  It is as if gold has been discovered!

When someone deeply listens to you, your bare feet are on the earth and a beloved land that seemed distant is now at home within you.  

How can we improve our listening skills?  There are several techniques that I recommend. 

1)  Clear your mind and focus on what the other person is saying.  So many times instead of listening, we’re thinking about what to say next.  I learned the value of this technique when I was doing my radio show.  Occasionally, I would  think about the next question to ask instead of listening.  This was dangerous – especially when someone was telling me about a life altering event.    

2)  Don’t feel compelled to fill in the gaps or complete another’s sentences. Know that dead air is not deadly.  This afternoon I was on the phone with a woman who was trying to guess what I was trying to say.  Whenever I took a breath she would fill in with her words.  This was slightly disturbing.  Have patience and let the other person finish his/her own thoughts.

3)  While listening, visualize what the other person is saying.  This takes practice, but if you can create images in your mind, you will understand him/her better and remember more of what was said. 

4)   Refrain from making snap judgments.  Don’t think you have a full understanding of what another person is saying until she finishes her thoughts.  Then, once you think you got it – verify the information.

5) Clarify the information.  As you visualize what the other person is saying, you’ll discover that there are pieces missing – perhaps things that were missed or misunderstood.  To complete the picture, it is important to clarify the information through asking questions.  Think of conversations as a puzzle that you’re trying to put together.  Try to complete the puzzle.  Once the puzzle is complete, you’ll truly understand things from the other person’s perspective.  You’ll be able to jump into their shoes.  This is extremely important especially when you’re trying to motivate or inspire others.

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