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Constructive
Communication Skills For Child Care Professionals
Confrontation
Julie Bartkus
When you say the word – confrontation - how does it
make you feel? For most people it is not a comfortable
feeling. My workshop participants often admit that the thought
of confronting someone brings forth very scary feelings.
Why is it that the mere thought of confronting
someone or even the thought of being confronted can leave one
feeling frightened? Well, most people probably have a negative
association with the word - CONFRONTATION - from past
experiences. I remember being in school and being confronted by
a teacher when I didn’t do my homework. SCARY! I also remember
being confronted by a police officer when I got my first
ticket. SCARY! I remember having to confront a co-worker about
some information she was supposed to provide me, and for the
third month in a row, she forgot. Yes SCARY!
To me, these confrontations were very scary. And I
must admit there were situations when I was supposed to confront
someone and I didn’t - because it just felt too scary.
Most often, because of all the negativity associated
with our past experiences with confrontations, we have negative
thoughts and anxiety about future confrontations.
Do you ever feel that way? Perhaps you need to
confront an employee about a behavior problem and you don’t -
because it’s just too scary. Or perhaps you need to confront a
parent or co-worker about an issue and you don’t - because it’s
just too scary.
Another reason confronting someone can be difficult
is because we focus extensively on how the other person will
feel or react. We may be absorbed with such thoughts as:
What will she think about me? What will she tell someone else
about me? What will he do? Yes, it’s important to
understand things from the other person’s perspective. However,
it should not prevent you from confronting someone when
necessary.
Since positively confronting situations is such an important part of
being successful in business, in your job, and in your personal
and professional relationships – I’ve included a few tips below
to help make confrontations less scary.
*Use the words positive, direct communication instead
of confrontation. This is especially helpful if you have a
negative association with the word confrontation. Many child
care professionals have told me “I don’t like that word,
CONFRONTATION.” If you don’t like it change it. Positive,
direct communication is a constructive communication pattern for
all parties involved.
*Focus on facts,
benefits, and most importantly - solutions. To do this - remove
yourself emotionally from the situation. Keep your focus
on the benefits to be gained through the communication.
Most often we focus on our own fears and insecurities and get
overwhelmed by our own negative thoughts.
*Write down the facts,
benefits, and solutions you’d like to propose. Use a written
list to help you cover the important points.
*Practice what you’d like
to say (out loud) to yourself, or with someone who you trust for
positive support. Sometimes just articulating the words can be
a challenge.
*Always remember to start off by saying something
positive and ending on a positive note as well. By positive I
mean sincere and related to the situation. Not “I like your
shirt.” Or “You look great today.”
For example, during one of my leadership retreats a
situation came up where a director was having problems
confronting the staff spokesperson. The staff spokesperson is
an employee who makes it part of her job to tell the leader
everything that is going on with everyone. She brings all
problems to the leader for all employees so they never have to
speak up for themselves. Well, this destructive communication
pattern needed to be confronted. So to start off the
confrontation on a positive note I requested that the director
start by appreciating her employee’s intent. “ I appreciate
your wanting to make sure that all employee issues are brought
to my attention.” That was our positive start. We filled
the middle dialogue with some great words to easily get the
employee’s buy in to the behavior we wanted to change and ended
with a sincere: “Thank you. I value you as an
employee and look forward to working together to help make our
team stronger and more empowered.”
