A Proud Tradition of Excellence
Bringing Out The Worstby Julie Bartkus
There are certain communication situations that just bring out the worst in team members. Have you ever noticed this? The situations I'm thinking about cause team members to feel insecure, get defensive, and judge others.
Here's a situation: Mary and Sue are co-teachers. Sue is the new teacher and Mary is not happy that she has very different ways of doing things in the classroom. So Mary often will say to Sue: "you should do it this way" or "I don't like the way you do that." Sue feels offended and finds comfort in talking to other staff members about Mary. Mary feels that her way is the best way and continues on with her destructive communication style.
This situation may sound familiar to you -- and if it does -- I hope you agree that Mary and Sue definitely need some interpersonal skill development.
Let's face it, the words we use to communicate, as well as the tones we use while communicating are major forces in determining the outcomes of our interactions with others -- positive or negative.
In the above situation, if Mary avoided saying: "you should…" or "I don't like the way you…" Sue would be less likely to think that Mary is attacking her. These words, in most situations, will cause a defensive reaction.
To bring out the best in Sue, Mary could have stated: "Sue I see you do many things differently than I do. I appreciate the value you bring to our team and I would like to understand some of your methods." Then Sue would have been more open to talking to Mary about why she does certain things. In the process both team members would have gained a greater understanding of and appreciation for each other.
Another situation that usually brings out the worst in team members is using generalizations when giving feedback. Generalizations include: "you always" or "you never." When offering someone constructive criticism or feedback avoid generalizations and put situations into very specific context for team members.
O.K. here's one more situation. Let's talk about barking orders. So you're crazy busy and you end up going into a classroom and pointing out everything that needs to be changed without so much as giving your team members a smile. And unfortunately many team members call this "barking orders" - when you're simply trying to help them create a better learning space. Next time improvements need to be made in a team member's learning space ask them a question to help coach them into saying what needs to be changed.
For example: You walk into a classroom and notice that the atmosphere is a little drab. Instead of saying to the teacher: "You should liven this place up a bit and create a few new displays for the kids." You could ask: "How do you feel about your learning environment -- do you think it offers the kids enough lively things to look at?" If the response is no then ask - "What are some of your plans to liven things up?" When you ask questions, and become skilled at doing it -- you'll be able to get team members to buy in to the changes that you'd like them to make. Why? Because it's their ideas they're implementing.
Now in the situation above what if you're team member answered: "Yes, I feel there's enough lively things to look at." Tougher situation -- right? Well, one approach is to respond with: "Can you point out all the things to me? I really want to see things from your perspective." Here you're helping your team member to focus on the facts -- that there are not enough lively displays. After your team member shows you all the lively displays, or the lack there of, respond by saying: "You definitely have a great start. However, children benefit from having (state a #) lively displays to look at and learn from in their learning environments. I'm sure you want to provide the maximum benefit to the children in your care -- so let's liven up your environment more." I'll check back with you later to hear a few of your ideas on how you can jazz it up a bit." (Or - "Write down your ideas and leave them on my desk for me to read so I know what you'll be working on.")
This situation is a non-critical situation where you can still be direct with your expectations just through a more empowering approach.
Again through your using questions, your team member has the opportunity to take ownership and will work harder to make change happen.
There are many situations that bring out the worst in team members -- I just might write a book about all of them. But the most important thing is to be aware of the way you communicate and the big picture of how your words and tones impact others.
© 2001-2006 Julie Bartkus. All Rights Reserved. Julie Bartkus is an author, speaker, consultant and coach.
For speaker availability or for information CONTACT US or call us now at 800.211.5671.
Here's a situation: Mary and Sue are co-teachers. Sue is the new teacher and Mary is not happy that she has very different ways of doing things in the classroom. So Mary often will say to Sue: "you should do it this way" or "I don't like the way you do that." Sue feels offended and finds comfort in talking to other staff members about Mary. Mary feels that her way is the best way and continues on with her destructive communication style.
This situation may sound familiar to you -- and if it does -- I hope you agree that Mary and Sue definitely need some interpersonal skill development.
Let's face it, the words we use to communicate, as well as the tones we use while communicating are major forces in determining the outcomes of our interactions with others -- positive or negative.
In the above situation, if Mary avoided saying: "you should…" or "I don't like the way you…" Sue would be less likely to think that Mary is attacking her. These words, in most situations, will cause a defensive reaction.
To bring out the best in Sue, Mary could have stated: "Sue I see you do many things differently than I do. I appreciate the value you bring to our team and I would like to understand some of your methods." Then Sue would have been more open to talking to Mary about why she does certain things. In the process both team members would have gained a greater understanding of and appreciation for each other.
Another situation that usually brings out the worst in team members is using generalizations when giving feedback. Generalizations include: "you always" or "you never." When offering someone constructive criticism or feedback avoid generalizations and put situations into very specific context for team members.
O.K. here's one more situation. Let's talk about barking orders. So you're crazy busy and you end up going into a classroom and pointing out everything that needs to be changed without so much as giving your team members a smile. And unfortunately many team members call this "barking orders" - when you're simply trying to help them create a better learning space. Next time improvements need to be made in a team member's learning space ask them a question to help coach them into saying what needs to be changed.
For example: You walk into a classroom and notice that the atmosphere is a little drab. Instead of saying to the teacher: "You should liven this place up a bit and create a few new displays for the kids." You could ask: "How do you feel about your learning environment -- do you think it offers the kids enough lively things to look at?" If the response is no then ask - "What are some of your plans to liven things up?" When you ask questions, and become skilled at doing it -- you'll be able to get team members to buy in to the changes that you'd like them to make. Why? Because it's their ideas they're implementing.
Now in the situation above what if you're team member answered: "Yes, I feel there's enough lively things to look at." Tougher situation -- right? Well, one approach is to respond with: "Can you point out all the things to me? I really want to see things from your perspective." Here you're helping your team member to focus on the facts -- that there are not enough lively displays. After your team member shows you all the lively displays, or the lack there of, respond by saying: "You definitely have a great start. However, children benefit from having (state a #) lively displays to look at and learn from in their learning environments. I'm sure you want to provide the maximum benefit to the children in your care -- so let's liven up your environment more." I'll check back with you later to hear a few of your ideas on how you can jazz it up a bit." (Or - "Write down your ideas and leave them on my desk for me to read so I know what you'll be working on.")
This situation is a non-critical situation where you can still be direct with your expectations just through a more empowering approach.
Again through your using questions, your team member has the opportunity to take ownership and will work harder to make change happen.
There are many situations that bring out the worst in team members -- I just might write a book about all of them. But the most important thing is to be aware of the way you communicate and the big picture of how your words and tones impact others.
© 2001-2006 Julie Bartkus. All Rights Reserved. Julie Bartkus is an author, speaker, consultant and coach.
For speaker availability or for information CONTACT US or call us now at 800.211.5671.